


Six Drinks and Two Murders Later

by AnAngryRat



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Dead People, Fluff and Crack, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 07:34:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5997031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnAngryRat/pseuds/AnAngryRat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hux hated Kylo Ren, ever since he saw that stupid bucket on his head instead of a face.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Six Drinks and Two Murders Later

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to apologize to the fandom as a whole for this.

"He's a sparkly covered cunt bucket," Hux stated blandly. Phasmas helmet tilted curiously.

"That's very," she coughed ,"colorful, General."

The man sat down with an elegant swoop of his jacket then gestured for Phasma to do the same. She followed suit pulling off her helmet and shaking out her short hair.

"Bad day," she asked and stated placing her helmet beside her.

"Kid wears an intimidation bucket," Hux muttered.

Phasma blinked slowly.

Hux rolled his eyes and gestured for alcohol from a passing waiter.

"The storm troopers wear buckets to remove individuality and create a more dedicated army, you know that. Don't judge me."

Their drinks arrived and the worker rushed away. The two most dangerous people on the ship often invoked such emotions. Well second most dangerous people on the ship. The man with telekinesis always wins those battles.

"Is he tall," Phasma asked swirling the glass. Field personnel weren't ranked high enough to greet the new addition. Hux looked her up and down.

"Shorter than you," he concluded. Her lips twitched in an almost smile.

"At least we'll get something to spice up the monochromatic days of building a large gun."

Hux pouted and downed the rest of the liquid.

"I didn't mind the monochrome. I got to sit down and do the calculations for a solar based weapon, then do schematics and statistics on how to run an entire military in the most efficient way..."

Phasma nodded along until his drivel ran off and then they maintained a comfortable respectful silence.

"I think you in particular need a sparkly covered cunt bucket."

***

The room was deathly silent. The mangled body left in the center as everyone backed away. Hux on the other hand fixed his gloves.

Kylo clicked on his light saber destroying the room, charred metal and wires flying. The storm troopers came to cover Hux but he waved them off and then out of the room. It took several minutes for Kylo to reach a pause, arm up ready for another strike against what was once one of the Finalizers better computers.

"Done having a tantrum like Colonel Salen’s 3 year old niece?"

Kylo looked over his heaving shoulders still hunched and ready to attack.

"General," he said straightening his back and turning towards the other man. He attempted to use his height to enforce dominance over his underling but Hux wasn't having it.

"Oh no." He said voice saccharine, "you've messed up your nappy." Hux stepped forward and brushed off the debris from Kylos shoulder. "There, much more intimidating."

Kylo clenched his fist. "General Hux, it would be best that you watch your tone."

"Cause you’re my superior," the man replied continuing to fix Kylo's clothes. "Well I didn't get to the position I am today by showing blind respect for my superiors. You have to earn my sincerity, Lord cunt bucket."

A long wave of silence passed allowing Hux to leave the room in a stately manner.

"That's a surprise," Kylo said just as Hux's foot reached the door line, "Especially coming from The Princess of the ship."

Hux barely hid his smile. Cunt Bucket had a lot to learn.

"That's a Queen to you. Try not to do this again it's cutting into my budget almost to the point of slowing down the Star Killer project."

Bits of massacred metal followed him into the hallway.

***

"The silent brooding Sith actually tried to incorporate wordplay into your flirtations," Phasma summarized.

Hux gently put a hand on his chest.

"You've hurt me. You really have."

Phasma watched with thinly veiled amusement. Hux's persona dropped and he looked back at his coworker with slight horror.

"You don't really think-"

She took a sip of her beer.

"I can do so much better than walking daddy issues."

She raised an eyebrow. Hux gaped. The world rotated slowly for a moment. He fixed his posture fixed his already perfect hair drained the last sip of his wine and left the canteen. Fuck. Twat-wad might have more of an affect on him than before.

***

Kylo Ren paused in the middle of the interrogation. Hand out holding the rebel taught and silent, he turned to Hux in the corner. Hux nodded pleasantly like he wasn't interrupting his torture.

"Good afternoon."

"Leave."

Hux walked up to the panting wild eyed girl sitting on the table ignoring Kylo.

"Your services are no longer needed. We know where the base is in this star system."

Kylo swiftly snapped her neck in a show of frustration. Hux tried not to express his glee. Kylo crosses his arms and leaned against the table.

"And how," he said his modulator grating through the words "did you find this out."

Hux straightened his already perfect attire like he was bored about all this.

"There's been an increase traffic of droids in the Duugar System especially the planet where our little friends spaceship is made and sold. Places of high market and low population is where most of the rebel bases have been before. Sent an investigatory shuttle out and found the hideout."

Kylo remained silent. Hux reveled in his victory. "For once basic deduction and detective skills beat the Force. I call that a win for all, Lord Kylo of Super Tantrums, don't you agree?"

Kylo pushed off the wall and into Hux's space.

"Yes. For once I didn't have to do all the work. Finally pulled the stick out of your ass and did something. Nice work." With that Kylo swept out of the room leaving Hux there to grind his teeth.

***

"How dare that fuckwit insult my capability!?! Me! The one that got us this far and this deadly." Hux hissed at Phasma. He was six glasses in so his drop in class was to be expected by now. She rolled her eyes.

"I think it's cute how he's responding back now."

Hux leaned over the table with a small groan. They were in his personal quarters so it felt alright to relax into...drunk Hux.

"I'm a mass murderer, he's a mass murderer. We don't do things like flirt." Phasma nodded along highly amused. "I command an entire army under Snoke. He's a Sith Lord, or whatever. I don't know, more magical bullshit, either way we shouldn't like, like each other, you know. I haven't even seen his stupid ugly mug. If he looks anything like his father it shouldn't be too..." He gestured uselessly trying to find words. Phasma patted his back, the patronization in every smack.

"He should be pretty is what I'm saying," Hux ended with, pouting. She nodded.

"Guess somethings in the universe aren't fair," she sympathized.

Hux rubbed his face. They sat in companionable silence. Hux knew he could trust Phasma to a) keep her fucking mouth shut and b) snipe anybody who found out about his slow descent into madness.

"I overtook two planets and a rebel base today and yet it feels like a loss."

***

"Sir, Kylo Ren will see you now," TP-593 reported opening the entrance. Hux blinked blankly. Well, this was unusual.

The man waltzed in cloak floating behind him dramatically. Hux nearly rolled his eyes at the melodrama of it all.

"Greetings," he said watching as stonily as he could while Kylo took off his cloak folded it over the chair before lounging in it like a king. Hux sat minutely straighter.

Kylo places a hand to his temple. Hux's clothes begin to undress themselves. He raises an eyebrow.

"You know sex is a lot more," his boots fly off followed by his pants and outer vest, "enjoyable when both parties," there go his shirt and underwear, "are engaged at the same ti...ahn!"

Hux can nearly see Kylo's smug grin behind the mask.

***

"Force sex? Not as bad I originally thought it was going to be." Hux answered shrugging into his wine. Phasma appeared to be slightly disappointed at that.

***

Hux sweaty, sated and naked on the table tilts his head so he can see Kylo in the same position as before no change in posture. Legs splayed out and wide hand to his helmets temple. The usual for these meetings. He rolls his head back to stare at the ceiling.

"As much fun as this was," a push, "is! I'm honestly bored. It would be much better if you were naked and I could possibly see your face."

He felt a slight pressure at his throat. He rolled his eyes. He was not fond of being dominated. Often. This often. Jesus, he fucking commanded the universe's largest military he could say he was definitely a big M with a little S and preferred vanilla sex of all things.

"Kissing would be nice too," the pressure tightened just the tiniest bit. "I suppose this is a no," Hux sighed his voice nearly on the side of breathless.

***

"So, you’re bored." Phasma said trying to grasp a foreign concept.

"Yes."

"With you not boring sex life."

"Yes."

She sighed at the manic look in his eye.

"What can I do to help?"

***

“Are you working while naked?"

It took a lot longer than Hux had anticipated for Kylo to come to...and Hux had a ship to run.

"I might have put a little too much diluted Kouhun venom into your drink." Hux said finishing up his data update before sending it to the rest of the commanders.

"You drugged me."

"And got you naked."

There was a large clang. "You tied me to the fucking bed?!?"

Hux stood up his cloak slipping off as he stocked toward the bed and crouched between Kylo's legs just out of his sight.

"Is this an assassination attempt?"

"No. I just want to have sex."

"We have..."

"Real sex. That's boring. I also wanted to see your ugly mug. No need to hide your pissy little bitch face. I already knew you were a whiny bitch. Your baby face won't change that."

Another loud clang. Hux took time to admire his view.

"You're insane. I don't know why I let you..."

"Shush, it's all in the name of," Hux choked on the words, "a relationship."

There was a softer clang and Hux finally looked up into soft brown eyes. He really was pretty. Looked nothing like his parents but...nice all the same.

Hux set his chin on Kylo's inner thigh.

"Are you up for it?"

Kylo raised an eyebrow.

"I'd rather not be drugged and chained to a bed again."

Hux shrugged and reached a hand slowly sliding down Kylo's thigh.

"Maybe we can have sex like normal people." He gently slid a finger over Kylo's pelvic bone getting his cock to twitch.

Kylo stayed silent as Hux teased and fondled his way to full hardness.

"I really don't enjoy that you of all people have the highest chance of killing me on this ship."

"Sentiment’s the same," Hux said with a sharp tug causing Kylo to let out a short puff of breath. He pulled out some ointment and put a slight pressure against Kylo's rim.  He looked up for confirmation. Kylo glared.

"If you really wanted that..."

"You would have manipulated the force to get your way, you whiny fucktwat."

Hux slipped a finger in and Kylo bowed off the bed.

"Ah...unfair."

"Telekinesis is unfair. I'm just leveling the playing field, cunt bucket."

Two fingers.

"Cunt bucket, why cunt bucket of all things?" Kylo's voice was a mess of pants and gasps.

"Much more colorful than Princess." Hux bit into his thigh before climbing higher on the bed so he was towering over him. Three fingers.

"Color? Ah- _ahh_!"

"You, princess cunt bucket of the land of sparkles and fuckwits, deserve colorful."

With a large clang and soft snap hand wrapped around the back of his neck. Hux was surprised that it was a physical hand and not a mental one which is probably why he let Kylo drag him down into a kiss.

***

Hux handed Kylo a drink. Kylo narrowed his eyes at the offending liquid. Hux rolled his eyes.

"Yes, there is poison in the cup." There was a small tingle in the back of his mind before Kylo's tension left his shoulders. He drained the beverage and started a coughing fit. Hux sat down quickly and began rubbing his back.

"Who the fuck hands someone alcohol after fucking?" Kylo gasped.

"Is that not protocol?"

Kylo stared at him eyes watered and brows drawn.

"No! Fuck. Bring me water."

Hux grabbed the discarded glass and filled it up with actual water, which Kylo drained before asking for another.

Then they sat together Hux with his off ship brandy and Kylo with his water. Hux finished first and got up to let Millicent in. The little whore nearly sprinted up to Kylo rubbing her body against him with loud purrs.

"Nice cat."

"At least she likes you. Last guy got bitten," Hux said picking up his computer and sitting back down next to them. The work of the First Order never stops. There was a comforting moment of silence as they got invested in their own worlds.

"You deserve colorful too." Kylo said his large hands looking gentle on the cat. Hux paused recalling the conversation.

"I suppose I do."


End file.
